Week 6- Flakey McFlakerson weighs in.

That's my new name- Flakey McFlakerson. Why? Because my commitment to weight loss this last week has been really bad. Here's why:
In and Out- Cheeseburger and fries with a root beer
Tres Cochinitos- The name says it all. Fattening, lard and cheese. The end
Pizza Hut- Three medium slices of pepperoni pizza with Coke
That was just from friday to Sunday. Before that I was doing pretty okay. Minus the excercise of course.. ehm.
I'm pretty sure I know why. I figured it out pretty much as I was typing the last blog which I never finished or posted. I made a new goal for myself and for some reason I couldn't get passed the 200 lb thing. For some reason when ever I try to imagine myself getting below 200lbs, I feel like it's never going to happen and that I'm going to be fat forever. I made a new goal to loose 9 lbs this month and as I was typing it, I felt like I should quit now because I could never loose that much weight in one month. I think I'm having a really hard time with this whole number's game this time. I need to do something to get passed that 200 lbs hump. without feeling like I'm failing.
I really sabotaged myself this week. I did no meal planning. I didn't eat three meals a day. I starved myself most days and went back to eating late at night. I didn't wear my sweat belt, use alboline or alli. It's almost like I did everything I could to not loose weight. Why?? I can blame the weather and rain again, but it was nice most days. I'm typing on a trampoline as I speak, so it's not like I couldn't do some cardio at home. I have my exercise plan on my dresser waiting for me to do crunches and I just haven't.  Is it because I like being fat? No. I don't think I like being fat. As a matter of fact I hate being fat!!! Is it because I want something to feel sorry for myself about? Well...being fat gives me an excuse to shut myself in the house and not want to be seen in public. It gives me an excuse to not go out with my friends,  or try to be social. Typing while processing here.. give me a second.
(Long pause..)
I don't go out because I feel bad about myself.
I eat because I feel bad about myself.
I feel fat and I don't want to go out.
I stay home and eat instead because I find comfort in food.
I feel guilty for eating and getting fat so I eat more.
Now, I'm not eating more, but going back to not eating at all the way I should.
Hum. Seems like a really shitty cycle. Right now, I know what my frustrations are and I feel like I'm putting all my frustration eggs in one basket. "If only (insert baby daddy name here) would do his part, then I would feel good about myself because I'd have more time to myself." "If only (baby daddy) would help me out more, I can look for a job." "If only (baby daddy) were around, I wouldn't be tired all the time and I would have more energy to do stuff."
I can't blame him for EVERYTHING. As much as I would like to. The truth is, when he was around, I didn't take care of myself, exercise, eat well, or have time to myself. I was just as alone with this child as I am now. I still took the baby with me everywhere. Had nobody to watch him. Had to shower with the little one in his swing with me. Ate with a fork in one hand and baby in the other. Struggled to manage my time to get it all done in one day.  I"m really in the same boat as I was when we were together, now that I think of it. He was just as absent when he was present. Oh snap! That was a light bulb turning on there!! Did anyone else catch that or was it just for me? Sorry.
The whole point of this processing my bullshit, is that I need to find out what the root of my over eating is about. It's not about my baby daddy, because I had the weight problem before I met him. I need to figure out what discourages me from being fit and healthy. Why I shield myself with all this extra skin. Why do I turn to food for comfort? Why do I shut myself in from the outside, when I crave to be out so badly? Why am I sabotaging my goals for getting healthy and happy?
I weighed myself two days ago and I was at 200.8- almost exactly the same. I was at 200.0 as of last Thursday morning. That's when I stopped. I stopped caring. I felt myself shut down and I heard my head say- you'll never loose more than that. Then for some reason, I listened to that voice in my head that told me I couldn't ever do it. I need to get pissed at that voice and tell it to fuck off next time!
Week 5- 200.9
Week 6- 202.2
Gained     +1.3 lbs. 
Truthfully, I almost lied to you. I almost put 200.8 because I weighed that much two days ago. I was going to blame getting my period (finally!!! First one since August 2008) and retaining water and hormones or some bull shit like that. Maybe it's a little true, maybe it's not. I was on my period two days ago too- so the likelihood of that being the reason is kinda bull. The fact of the matter is that I'm really glad that I'm logging my weight in every week. I feel like it makes me accountable to someone. I feel like if I don't post my weight, someone out there is going to wonder what happened and give up too. Is that retarded? I also feel like maybe if someone else reads that I'm having a hard time or struggling or sabotaging, they can relate to me. The truth is, I think only a couple of you are reading this. I don't know who is or who isn't unless you post or email me. The one thing I have not lost my commitment on consistanly is telling you all about m failures and success. That's a start. I know, that every week I have to come back here and sit my ass in front of my computer and tell you how I'm doing. I've even decided to be honest and not bull shit you about my weight. That's some serious biz for me too. I think before, I've been tempted to skip weeks of checking in- so I can "catch" up before the next time. I never catch up, feel guilty, and quit. I'm changing my old patterns, and I hope these changes will make a long term difference.
This week, I'm updating my goal board. I'm taking down the goals I've not achived, and I'm creating new ones. Looking at the ones I've missed out on are reminders of failures and that makes me feel guilty. I'm updating my goal board with baby steps.I'm putting myself back on the five lbs. per month track until I beat that 200 lb mark. I will over come these challenges!!!
xoxo Hope someone had a better week than I did!