I went to the gym with my little sister for the first time in at least over ten years. Actually the last time I stepped into a gym is when I was working at a gym as a baby sitter. I think my age still involved the word "..teen" to give you an idea. I had all this crazy anxiety as we were on the way. It wasn't about actually doing exercise, it was about being a failure. I kept thinking, "What if I can't do as much as I want to?" I was worried I was going to be disappointed in myself for not doing as well as I "should". Why am I carrying all this guilt and shame. I was being hard on myself before I'd even failed! Michelle called me on it and kinda shook me up a bit.
So we walk in to the gym and I was really shocked to see it was nothing but men. Well, correction, there was ONE girl there- all the rest men. I nudged Michelle, " Uh- I thought you said this was a woman's gym??" "Uh..NO! I said it was a boxing gym. Get over it." Not that I had an option, but I did. I caught myself feeling self conscious and wanting to leave because of the men. I had no makeup. I looked sloppy. I didn't want them to see me as fat. Very quickly I put my ego in check. Nobody gave a crap that I was there. Everyone was polite and said hello as I walked by, but that was it. They went back to their work out. What a fucking EGO I have!! Why did I have to make it about me? They are there for themselves, not waiting for a hook up. Once I got that through my thick noggin' I was able to enjoy my work out.
Day 1 of the work out wasn't too shabby. I felt good. Completed a total of 5 miles between the bicycle, tread mill and elliptical. I actually did BETTER than what I expected. Whoop me!!
So the point of this web page was to share my journey with anyone who cares, who is going through the same thing, or whatevs. I'm going to be super honest about all my feelings, challenges, fears, etc- so ** long sigh** The first info I'm going to divulge is my weight. My heart is beating faster as I type and my anxiety is over the top. I know it's because I'm so ashamed of how much I weigh. Well along with the pounds, it's time I start shedding the guilt and shame that comes along with them.
As of Tuesday Week 1: 208.9
There it is. That's the number. I'm putting it out there. I'm not linked to that number forever. I'm not chained or committed to it. It's not my number to own and hide. I'm giving it back to the universe and I'm picking another one. That is not the number for me!!
What are some of the fears you have about going to the gym?
3 comments:
good for you girl...i am there with you, and i weigh more!!!
farting while working out- hey that adrenaline starts pumping and...hey! but don't worry- the white noise of the working machines usually cover it up! at least you hope! it happens to everyone. we should go to the y in pedro! i can pick you up mon wed or fri @ noon. it's just a bunch of OLD men! or there's one on sepulveda that my mom says is bomb that i have never been to! let's do this! actually i have been making a conscious effort to work out more, eat better (trying to avoid sat fats and sugars)and eat small meals thru the day. i even started doing little workouts from the tv!cox has channel 258 which is fit tv and there is this handsome greek asshole named gilad that does really good aerobics!
Joni- I'm proud of you :) I know you want to start training for your marathon!! Do it girl!! I know you can (and you HAVE)!!
Coco- I totally farted yesterday. It was a little on and I don't think it smelled. I'm already going to a gym and I've started working with a trainer. He is RAD. It's much cheaper than the Y too!!
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