Week 11- Asbergers or Asshole?

Wow, I just got finished reading this article on Asbergers. Shocking. I've always wondered what that was, and I've often heard it linked to conversations or topics about Autism.  For what ever random reason, I chose today to read about it and I feel freaking enlightened!! Actually, I feel a little better than enlightened, I feel optimistic even.
Rewind- My little boy's brother, Aidan (same baby daddy, different baby momma) often appeared to show signs of Autism. I noticed something a little different about him a while back ago. I remember telling my mom, and at first she said it was nothing. Later, she picked up on it too. We're not talking a severe case, but some things kind of stood out. He has an innability to make eye contact. He does not really socially interact with children, he plays more "around" them. He's very obsessive about his toys and the specific order they have to be in at all times. Taking the toys out of order results in small break downs to rocking his world tantrums.  Some of my larger concerns had more to do with his approaching 3 year birthday and his not being able to put together more than two words, much less complete a simple sentence.  There are more, I'm just not in the mood to list them all...
I tried talking to Victor (baby daddy) about my concerns and he was immediately defensive. I understand why. It's a tough thing to have to think about or face. Victor's excuse for Aidan's delay was that Aidan's primary care giver was a person with special needs. He said that Aidan's aunt watched him and she was mildly retarded. Having a child be watched by someone who is mildly retarded is a whole other can of beans I'm not about to open right now.. Anyway, as much as I gently tried to talk to Victor about sitting down with his Baby Momma and talking about Aidan's developmental delays, he was very adamant that he wasn't going to talk about it. I remember talking to Aidan's mom about him learning sign language with our (then expected) baby. She said, "Well you know Aidan.. He's slow and he's stubborn. So good luck with that.." I was shocked that she would speak of her own son in that way. I mean, that statement, although maybe some parts were true, seemed to me as if she'd given up on her son. How can a mother just give up like that and call her baby, "slow and stubborn". Talk about making excuses, and not coming up with solutions!! After talking to his mom, I realized that the only one interested in helping Aidan out was me. His parents were stuck in ignorantville and they were not interested in leaving soon.  I started reading more about Autism so that I could learn to understand his behavior and how to deal with some of his tantrums and hitting himself.
So, back to Asbergers... I was reading what some of the characteristics of people with Asbergers are. Surprisingly, Victor, seems to have nearly ALL of them.  After reading the article, I thought, "Wow, here I thought he was just an uncaring asshole all this time, maybe he just has Asbergers." I'm totally serious too.

Ask my closest BFF's. They'll tell you... I know I've said over and over again, "Is something wrong with his brain?" Reading about Asbergers was like reading a pamphlet on "Getting to Know Victor".  Difficulty coping with change, memorising blanket phrases and using them out of context, focusing on the same subject ignoring other people's disinterest, blank stare, obsessive routines and over preoccupation with subjects, inability to interpret body language, sesitivity to sights, tastes and smells, lack of common sense despite above average intelligence, lacking the desire to share expieriences with others, poor social skills, improper behavioral response to evens- seeming cold, rude or calloused. Shit!!! Victor totally has Asbergers!! or wait..am I just making an excuse for him?? Hummmm. No seriously, I think he has Asbergers. This explains so much about him. Not that I want to get back together with him, because that's not happening. I just get it now. And frankly, the "how to's" in dealing with people with Asbergers will not hurt me one bit to apply to Victor. I know we will have full on conversations and the says, "Yes" he understands the whole time.. and his response is almost as if the conversation never ever happened. I mean, I can tell him that it emotionally damages me when he drops his coffee cup on the floor. I can go into detail about what happens to me after each occurance. He will sit there and recite the "facts" back to me as if he's telling me something (about ME!!) I've never heard before. Two seconds later, he will drop the cup on the floor and act suprised that it bothered me.

From now on, I'm dealing with him as if he has Asbergers. Doesn't mean I'm treating him bad. On the contrary, it means that I'll have to stop talking long enough to make sure he understands what I'm saying and that he's not just memorizing the important parts to make me believe he understood. Or making blanket responses to my statements that could fit any situation to make me think he's getting it. Oh, yeah, he's good at covering his tracks!! I've called him on it a few times. I've said, "Victor, how does that statement apply to this conversation?" He usually says, "Oh, I was talking about something else, but go on.." or he'll get defensive and say I'm talking down. Seriously- as Jebus is my only witness, I'm not talking down. I'm trying to get some clarity. It's still his exit strategy though.  I'm just really really glad I found this site. I feel better about being able to talk to him and understanding why he is the way that he is.
Anyway, I just thought I would share this with whomever gives a crap about it. Read the article that is linked if you have a chance. It's pretty awesome! Today has been really good.  I swear things are going to start looking up!